Uneasy contentness

Not a bright post, but not an overly grim one either. It more or less just is.

Alone with my thoughts

I think a lot. I also don't think enough. I can't envision my future in any way other than delusion. 'One day I'll be a performer,' and 'when I've moved away and started my new life,' those type of things. I can't see where I'll actually be, in reality. It feels like I have signed roads layed before me, but it also feels like I'm off the map. Ignoring the thoughts that eat at me is pretty easy, and makes everything seem super okay and fine. And it is, to be honest. I'm not at any risk of anything really. But I don't want to continue like this. Modesty is the opposite of ambition, and while I do try to be modest, I still find myself dreaming of ambitions. Contentness is a curse. I don't want to be happy with how I am, yet I do not hate myself. I wish I knew where I was supposed to go, yet I find myself steering away from the options handed to me. There's only so much the human soul can convince themselves will fix with "I just need to lock in."

The rare moments where I can finish a cohesive thought are often when I'm not able to write them down. But I want to write what I have down, anything, just to have it done. So thank you for baring with me as I drag on.

I wish i was 'me'

Obviously as a not fully out trans person I feel a large disconnect between myself and my physical body, but I think it goes much further than that. The me in my head is so disjointed from reality. She's a developer, a video essay producer, a singer. I'm the only one who sees her. She doesn't exist.

I wish I was her. But the truth is, I can't bring myself to do anything. I can't make that a reality. That's okay, but I wish I was better.

A sorry excuse for progress

I know people don't actually read these. It was never about people reading them anyway. I know I don't have to make promises or even address when I fail to do so. But the idea that I'm even trying to put myself out there honestly might be enough for me to keep going. So here are the things I want to do. Future Emily (because I KNOW you're going to read this); get your ahh to work <3

Go make that Sonic R inspired game! It'll be cute and you'll love it!

Go write those essay article things!

3D model more! You KNOW you've gotten better at it!

It hasn't all been bad

It's been a few months since the last post, so obviously some good things have happened too. They aren't terribly interesting, however. I'm doing okay, I don't think I'll ever fall back as far as I have been before. Just because I can't see the floor in front of me doesn't mean I don't see the end of the tunnel <3

Today's music!

I wrote more in the side box due to this song being lyricless and I needed something for that space, haha

The track name and initial tone do seem sombre at first, but I prefer to look at the song as hopeful. It's not "I will die as nobody," it's "I will die as somebody." The initial tones are underlying throughout the song, yes, but they're only there to keep it grounded. The melodies and additional layers serve to override the despair with inspiration and ambition. It's one of the songs that make me want to keep working on my projects. Heck, if I wasn't playing this on loop the whole time I was writing this post I don't think I would have finished it at all.

ALSO THE ARTIST IS, 14?? HELLO? I hate using the word talented because it often times is equated to 'natural talent' rather than practiced skill and she so clearly demonstrates skill in her art. But like. Damn. I wish I had this kind of talent haha. Just means I gotta keep to it and actually work on improvement instead of sitting around complacent. Couldn't have picked a better song for rn lol

Life stuff ~

Heading a section on this post with life stuff is pretty silly, but I like the structure sooo

Only one of my friends even knows this site exists. This makes it pretty easy to write whatever I want, because the chance it will ever come back to influence my life is practically zero. This one friend, however, happens to be my partner. I don't regret telling her I made it, because I believe it's important she gets to know my feelings and I don't just keep them to my self, but... I do wish I could open up what I can't bring myself to say.

Honestly, I don't think she reads the site. I don't really bring it up and there's not a lot for her to read really, but if you're seeing this; I'm sorry. I still love you, and I always will. But I think the loser aroace girl you asked out didn't realise what she was getting herself into. I can't bring myself to say this to you directly because I don't want to see you sad. Maybe I'm just going through one of my borderline bipolar phases again and it will pass. But right now, I feel uneasy and unsure.

I got myself into this knowing the worst that could happen to me was I didn't like it and I could just move on. I failed to realise the worst that could happen could happen to you instead. I should have been more thoughtful back then. I should have been more thoughtful when you gave me an out. I held on because I failed to see that I would hurt you if I did. I'm sorry.

And sorry for the poor imaginary people who read my posts, this is mostly months of stuff I really need to get out of me, I'll make a happier one next time. Chances are I won't even break up with her and it'll just be another one of my MomentsTM. Either way, thank you. Both to you for reading this, and to my girlfriend for being with me. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together, and I still hope that no matter what happens, you'll keep your promise and still be one of my best friends <3

—Em