pending

I've tried to refrain from positing negative things here (obviously "last month" excluded) but that's had the unfortunate side effect of giving me literally nothing to talk about :/

It sounds worse than it is. Or at least I've convinced myself that. I don't know, doesn't matter either way because I'm trying to work on it.

Bad vibes speedrun

I've always struggled with what I guess you'd call an inferiority complex, crossbred with some imposter syndrome. Buzz Lightyear on the shelf moment, I know. I'm terrible with it. No amount of people telling me that I belong and that they like me will make me believe it.

Back in May I said that I would never get worse and it was only up from there, which to my credit was awesome foreshadowing. I got into a loop of an unfortunate event leading me to make self destructive decisions on repeat and it got too much for me. I completely shut down.

To be honest, I still feel like some amount of it was fair, and when I describe how I felt and what happened to people they agree with me (given I'm not talking about them or their immediate friends). I'm very torn on how to feel.

What I do know for certain is that I can't keep reacting how I am. I make people worry, I hurt people. Being too much for my partner to the point of a break up has served as a sort of wake-up call more than anything else ever could. I'm not going to linger on it longer. I promised I would try to be better, to be a better friend.

Some positivity!

2XKO closed beta just opened, and I got invited, so that pretty much means it has launched ^-^

It is VERY fun. I can sit down and play 50 consecutive games and still want to keep going. I did the usual Em experience of playing the tutorial shoto and something vaguely grappler related with my Ahri-Darius team and they're honestly super fun. Excited for Ranked mode dropping next week so I can realised I'm not as good as the casual lobbies are making me think I am LOL

I'm in love with the lobby avatars, mine is SUPER GENDER and it makes me happy.

Silksong is going great so far, I don't feel like I'm very far in because I've been hearing people say it gets hard and I'm still at the point where most enemies are not very threatening. That said, I can clearly see these early game guys are as kitted out as the later game regular enemies of Hollow Knight, so I expect it to ramp up.

PEAK is another game which I did not think I'd enjoy it as much as I do. I thought it would be another "the friends want to play a game" option but really I've spent more time doing solo runs. Solo runs! You wouldn't catch me dead doing Lethal Company solo runs as much as I love that game. PEAK is actually kinda peak.

Balatro too. Super late to the Balatro party, but been really enjoying it. I've even started modding it, will almost certainly document that here later.

I finally got a second cable so I can plug my Switch and PC into my monitor at the same time, so I've been playing Animal Crossing again. It's very nice.

Final Fantasy XIV is also quite fun. I've always had a fondness for existing in an online space, even if I am the solo crafting player type.

And last thing I can think of off the top of my head is the latest card game idea I've had. As soon as I finish writing this blog post and updating the site I'm going to start writing up its own pages because I'm actaully super happy with the base idea of it. The elevator pitch is the game plays very much like Yu-Gi-Oh! with the exception that monsters you've summoned can be resummoned for free on a later turn if they're destroyed. This means that you the primary resource of the game is normal summons, as you never permanently lose their value. This also leans itself into tribute summoning over special summoning and promotes a slower, more traditional style of play where stat lines matter and you play for future turns.

Today's music!

The lyrics are quite depressing, but the primary reason I picked this one is because the song is called "Birthday Kid" and it was my birthday :)

On a slightly sadder note, the repeating line "I did this to me" is ominously fitting for my own situation. I've put myself into a Catch 22 where no one celebrates my birthday because when I was younger I couldn't handle the pain of people not caring, so I started telling people I didn't care about it. But I do. I always have, but I let my past negative experiences control me. "I have no one else to blame. I did it myself.

Life stuff ~

I brushed over it quickly, because I don't want to linger on negative things too much but I've got one final important thing to say.

If you're seeing this; I'm still sorry. I still love you, and I still always will. I want what's best for you, and I know that what you did was just that. We promised each other that we wouldn't let anything stop us from being friends, and I intend to keep that promise. If you'll still have me, I'll work on myself. Thank you for the experiences I never thought I'd ever have. I could not have asked for a better first and possibly last girlfriend.

Deciding now's as good a time as ever to go "public" with it, but I also go by Maeve. As of writing this, only two people know that name, but once I'm more confident and comfortable with myself I hope to make that more :> (I'm not a system, just for clarification, I just like having multiple names)

Thank you <3